Every strong team needs a leader.

Business gets this. Sports get this. The military gets this. But say it about marriage, and suddenly everyone gets uncomfortable.

If you’ve spent fifteen minutes with me, you already know “submissive” would not make the highlight reel of words to describe my personality.  I am the very embodiment of a “type A” personality; and yet, here I am saying it out loud: I believe in biblical submission.

I know.  That sentence alone triggers a lot of big feelings.  But in a culture that equates submission with weakness or oppression, my marriage is absolute proof of the opposite.

Before I open a window into our personal choices, know this: I’m not writing to prescribe how anyone else should live. I’m simply sharing how we’ve chosen to live this out, and why it works in our marriage. 

In many marriages, leadership is undefined or constantly fought over. Some couples live in a quiet power struggle: who “wins”, who gets the last word, who drives the direction of the relationship.  But Biblical submission doesn’t leave leadership up for debate. God already assigned it: the husband carries it. The wife supports it.  

That’s the same principle I live by as a CEO: Leadership isn’t about being more important; it’s about carrying responsibility for the greater whole.   I think of my organization as a body; every role connected, every part relying on the others.  When something goes wrong, it doesn’t matter who dropped the ball; ultimately, the accountability comes back to me. That’s the weight of leadership. And because of that, my team trusts me to set direction, make the final call, and carry the outcome.

It’s the same in our marriage. Mark carries the responsibility before God for leading our home, but that doesn’t make my role less necessary. Just like the body needs every part to function, our marriage depends on both of us bringing our full selves to the table. My role isn’t to compete with him for control; it’s to respect his leadership and to support it with my own wisdom, strength, and voice. 

So, what does that actually look like in the “Dhooge Den”?

• Decision-making: We talk everything through: finances, family, schedules, parenting. If we’re not aligned, we don’t move forward.  
• Finances: We don’t divide “his” and “hers.” Our money is ours. Biblical submission pushes against the cultural script that says “your money, my money.”  For us, it’s always ours and we steward it together.
• Parenting: We present a united front. Even when we were still wrestling with something behind closed doors, our son never saw us undermining each other. Respecting Mark’s leadership means backing him in front of the family and he does the same for me.
• Spiritual leadership: Mark leads us in prayer, in decisions about church and faith practices, and in the way we set the tone for our home.  

“So, what happens when you don’t agree?”  Great question.

Mark and I are both strong leaders with strong opinions. We don’t shy away from hard conversations, and we don’t exactly come to the table timidly. Most of the time, after hashing it out, we find our way to common ground. But sometimes, we don’t. Sometimes he sees the situation one way, I see it another, and after all the talking, he isn’t budging.

For me, Biblical submission looks like this: I’ve said my piece. I’ve been clear about where I stand. And if he’s still convinced of a direction I don’t fully agree with, I make the choice to step back and trust his leadership. I don’t keep pushing. I don’t undermine him later. I don’t quietly do my own thing. I align with him and trust his leadership the way I would expect my team to trust mine. Because without leadership, there’s no unity. And without unity, the whole home suffers.

That doesn’t mean my opinion didn’t matter. It means I believe God has placed the responsibility of leading our home on his shoulders; not mine. And with that responsibility comes accountability. He will answer to God for the way he leads, just like I will answer for the way I respect and support him.

Is it easy? Not at all. Everything in my Type A personality wants to stay in control. But in those rare occasions, when we cannot come to an agreement, I yield to his leadership because I trust the man he is and the God we follow.

Submission isn’t about disappearing, shutting up, or rolling over. It’s not oppression, and it’s definitely not abuse.  (If your husband is hurting you, that is not biblical leadership; that’s sin. And God never calls a woman to endure abuse.)

The Bible doesn’t call women to be voiceless; it calls them to be partners. 

From an organizational perspective, the CEO may carry the final responsibility, but no organization thrives without a strong Chief Operating Officer.  The COO’s impact isn’t smaller; it’s different. They’re the ones who take big ideas and make them actionable, keep strategy from drifting, and ensure that the work is getting done. That’s me in our home. Mark may carry the responsibility before God, but my influence is woven into every decision we make. He can’t lead without me, and I don’t want to lead without him.

Submission only works in the context of love, trust, and safety. Ultimately, it’s a calling to both husband and wife to allow their marriage to reflect their walk with Christ; to choose unity over power plays, and to willingly yield instead of constantly competing for control.

So yes, I’m a relentlessly driven leader in every arena of my life; but at home, I choose to follow my husband’s leadership.  That decision isn’t weakness. It’s confidence in God’s design and trust in the man I married.  Submission doesn’t erase me; it anchors us.