I was one-half of a 'power couple' and it almost destroyed me. 

When people learn of my experience, they often ask – how does a successful woman end up in an abusive relationship?

When I met him, I saw his vision for the future and wanted to be part of it. I craved passion and excitement and nothing was more intoxicating than the idea of a power couple.

We attended events, traveled, made money, donated to nonprofits, and looked the perfect part on social media- complete with the perfect proposal and the puppy.

But the more I poured into him, and the more success we achieved, the more my life spiraled downwards. The physical and emotional abuse and looming threats led to a life in constant fear, and it  nearly destroyed me. 

I tried to make it stop. I tried earning his love, but the more I gave the more he expected. I tried setting boundaries, but the more I said no, the angrier he got. Fighting back left me gaslit… or bruised. When I tried to leave, he would take my keys or threaten me. Freezing led to being cornered and mocked. Fawning required me to shut down and eventually it felt like I was dying inside.

After each incident, the love bombing would follow. In the beginning, it made me temporarily forget – the trips, the money, the ring, the puppy. They would all serve to reinforce the excuses I would make for him.  I ate up all of the ‘apologies’ not because I’m materialistic, but because I was desperate to get back to the 'good times'. I clung to those good moments like my life depended on it- because it did. But so did my identity.

As one half of a power couple, you don’t leave because, who are you without your other half? You’ve built a brand together. The validation, praise, and the image of success- it was everything I wanted to be. You tell yourself it’s a phase, and it will pass. You remember all the challenges you’ve overcome and tell yourself this too will be one of those triumphs. 

For nearly five years, I stayed because I wanted the image and I believed in the potential- the potential of what we could continue to achieve together, and the potential that the abuse would end.

During one of our last physical altercations, as I was curled up on the floor, a switch flipped. I realized it would never end, and the image I was fighting to maintain was killing me slowly. They say that once a woman is done, she’s done, and it’s true. I was ready to leave but unsure how. 

A few weeks later, my mother confronted me, directly asking if he was physically abusing me. I finally told her the truth. A few days later, my mother, my sister, and my best friend came over while he was away. We packed my belongings into a U-Haul in 90 minutes. I left so much behind, but I didn’t care.

I am free.

I could have left earlier, but I wasn’t ready. I had lessons that I needed to learn. Lessons that I can now share. 

Lessons Learned

Instead of being hardened by this experience, it has led me to my softness and deeper into my spirituality. I am sharing what I’ve learned from this experience in the hopes that others won’t have to go through the same thing I did to learn these same lessons – or if you have been through it, I hope you find healing in the fact that you’re not alone. 

Here are six lessons I learned from being in an abusive relationship.

1. I should have believed the cliches.

If I could go back, I’d tell myself that all the cliches are true. Gaslighting and emotional abuse will turn physical. If they put their hands on you once, it’ll happen again. The first time he hurt me, we were on vacation in Jamaica. He slammed my head against the tub during an argument. Another time, we had just gotten back from a gala when he lifted me by the throat, slammed me to the floor, and screamed at me while foaming at the mouth like a rabid dog. The final straw was when my period was late and I thought I was pregnant. Instead of being excited, I was terrified. The day after I told him, he snatched the chair out from under me and threw it at me because I didn’t have time to finish something for his business, then screamed at me while I was hysterical on the floor in a fetal position. Those are just a few of the dozen or so physical incidents which somehow don’t even compare to the emotional abuse I endured. Lesson number 1: Believe the cliches.

2. I won’t try to prove my worth to the next man.

Our relationship began with a shared passion and connection over business. We both had aspirations for more. Being helpful was how I strived to earn his love. I now realize that trying to earn his love by taking the initiative left him to fall into a receiving role. Once the roles were established, there was an expectation I couldn’t seem to unhook from. I ended up spending 20-30 hours a week on his business, leading his meetings, hiring his people, building his site, and handling issues. Meanwhile, he disregarded my boundaries, my needs and my goals. His blind obsession with success made our relationship incredibly toxic.

3. I won’t be blinded by gaslighting.

The relationship became increasingly more toxic, and the more I tried to fight back, the more the gaslighting worsened. I began to question my own judgment. I started isolating myself to avoid breaking the image others have of him. I dropped out of organizations, stopped networking, and avoided conversations because I was constantly overstimulated by the emotions they would trigger. 

I stopped sharing my excitement with him because of the competition it would spur. I stopped dressing up, I stopped following through on commitments, I even stopped smiling. And no one noticed.

He convinced me that he was the only one who cared about me. With isolation, his voice became the only one I heard, and the gaslighting eventually broke my spirit.

4. I won’t fall for a man’s potential.

You know how they say behind every great man is a great woman? Yea, no. We need to stop that.

I was a competitive gymnast, who grew up to believe that achievement equals love. With two workaholic parents, I got their full attention only when I stood on that podium. This hardwired me to demonstrate my value in relationships by showing how smart, accomplished, and helpful I was.

I unintentionally ended up courting my partners instead of being courted. I picked men with potential, vision, and work ethic to shape – my next achievement. I became a 'kingmaker'. With me, they became more successful than ever and I became depleted. My partner before him is now a TikTok star, getting paid to create content and living his best life.

I realized that many women, including myself, struggle with the kingmaker role. 

Despite my efforts, I kept taking on the masculine role as the giver and provider, rather than allowing my partner to provide for me. I struggled to receive- to receive love, gratitude, and affection. And yet, the more I gave to these men, the more I encountered aggression, entitlement, and coldness. 

5. I will see familiar red flags for what they are- warning signs.

I saw the red flags at the beginning, but they were familiar, so I didn’t walk away. Though not abusive, my father was an entrepreneur with many similar intense traits, and because it was familiar, I thought I could handle it. 

My ex wasn’t a bad person, just a weak man with no control over his emotions. Being raised by women didn’t make him good at dealing with women – instead he learned to process his emotions like a woman, with an added layer of male aggression.

Just because red flags are familiar and you understand how they became that way ,doesn’t mean you should tolerate it.

I’ve had to learn how to not be triggered by the unfamiliarity of a safe man. My comfort with red flags was a result of my past experiences. The cycle of abuse followed by love bombing felt like passion, even though I know now it was toxic. I’ve had to embrace the idea of a safe, stable relationship and recognize that what might feel 'boring' is actually healthy and nurturing.

6. I won’t shy away from being “needy” or “high maintenance”.

So how do strong women end up in abusive relationships? I built my identity around being a strong woman, and that was my downfall.

Imagine a scale from 0-10. One side is how I deserve to be treated; the other is what I’m strong enough to handle. I focused on my strength and made excuses for him. The relationship started at 10. He got busy and treated me like a 9. I excused it.

When he saw I tolerated 9, he put in less effort, dropping to 7. I made more excuses, not wanting to seem needy, to him or myself. The more I could tolerate, the worse he treated me and it quickly dropped 6, 5, 4, 3.

I completely ignored what I “deserved” and focused entirely on what I was strong enough to handle.

Soon we were at a 2. I looked in the mirror and didn’t recognize myself. I felt dead inside. 

I knew it wasn’t right but believed in him and I had put so much time and effort into him that I held on until there was nothing left.

I've come to understand that high standards are meant to safeguard both us and the relationship, rather than being a sign of neediness or high maintenance. I now know that upholding boundaries is the deepest form of strength and self love.

After spending years agonizing over whether or not to leave, I can confidently say that while the transition has been uncomfortable, I wake up every day excited to be alive. 

People keep telling me I have my glow back, and I truly feel it. The weight that I’d struggled to lose naturally came off, my skin quality improved, my thinning hair has started growing back, I sleep through the night again, my appetite is normalized, and I feel like myself again.

In My Oracle Era 

Historically, men sought out oracles—women believed to possess profound spiritual insight and a direct connection to the divine. These women, often revered for their mystical abilities, were consulted for their guidance on critical matters and decisions. Their role as intermediaries between the mortal and divine realms granted them a unique and respected position in ancient societies. That's the energy I’m moving with from now on – I’m here to be sought out, pursued, and valued for my wisdom and insight. 

To do that, I need to stay connected to the best version of myself, my highest self, and inspire my partner’s actions rather than doing everything in the relationship in an effort to earn love, admiration, and respect. 

This whole journey for me has been about redefining what it means to be strong. It’s about embracing my inner oracle, the wise guide within me, and understanding that true strength comes from being deeply connected to myself. It’s about knowing that I deserve peace, love, and respect without having to fight for (or earn) it. It’s about upholding my boundaries, embracing my own well-being, and cultivating an openness to receive from a partner.

As I move forward, I’m embracing this new identity. I’m choosing relationships that nourish my soul and bring me peace. I’m no longer trying to fix or elevate anyone; instead, I’m focusing on my own elevation and letting the right people rise with me. This is my journey to stepping into my oracle energy – a woman of wisdom, strength, and unwavering self-respect.

If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or text “START” to 88788 for confidential support 24/7.