I’m not your average real estate professional. I work specifically with clients who need to sell property during the most contentious of circumstances, such as divorce, death, and inheritance. The emotions in these situations run deep—grief, anger, relief, fear, uncertainty. This is especially the case in divorce, and for good reason. What many don't realize is that nearly one in four divorces involves domestic violence.

And so often, we miss it.

We miss it because the couple seemed happy. Because there are no visible bruises. Because nothing is said. But that's not by choice—it’s because the victim has been forced to maintain the facade, knowing that any deviation could lead to consequences at home.

By the time divorce happens, the person leaving an abusive marriage has spent years managing appearances, convincing themselves it wasn't that bad, and performing an emotional balancing act. Once that act ends, they’re left with the weight of years of damage—emotionally, mentally, financially, and socially.

The reality is, most people in abusive relationships will suffer in silence. But if you look closely, the signs are always there. Here are 7 unconventional signs someone you love might be in an abusive relationship.

1. They’ve Stopped Caring About How They Present Themselves

We’re not talking about dressing casually or skipping makeup. If a person who used to take pride in their appearance suddenly seems indifferent—wearing baggy clothes to disappear, looking exhausted all the time, or seeming detached from their own self-image—it could be a sign of emotional exhaustion or depression. Sometimes, it’s not just neglect; they may have been cut down so many times for "trying too hard" or accused of "seeking attention" that they’ve simply stopped trying altogether.  

2. They Seek Validation in Other Areas of Life

If someone isn’t receiving love, respect, or encouragement from their partner, they may subconsciously seek it elsewhere. This can look like suddenly over-investing in work, over-sharing on social media, or developing a hyper-fixation on praise from strangers. They might seem desperate for external validation—not because they’re vain, but because they feel completely unseen in their relationship.  

3. Their Partner’s Public Image Doesn’t Match the Private Reality

Abusive partners are often performers. In public, they’re affectionate, supportive, and charming. In private, they control, manipulate, and tear their partner down. If someone’s partner goes out of their way to prove they’re the perfect spouse—big public gestures, huge gifts, excessive compliments, or forced affection—while the person on the receiving end seems uncomfortable, detached, or drained, it’s worth paying attention to.  

4. They Shrink Themselves in Conversations

They apologize constantly, but not just for things they’ve done—they apologize for existing. They speak softly, keep their opinions vague, and seem hesitant to take up space. They might become detached during conversations and space out. When they do speak up, they often backtrack or over-explain, as if they’re afraid of saying the wrong thing. This isn’t just insecurity—it’s conditioning.  

5. Their Social Life Slowly Disappears

They used to be involved, outgoing, and engaged, but now they’re suddenly "too busy" or just seem to fade away. Sometimes, this happens because they feel emotionally drained; other times, it’s because their partner has made socializing difficult—guilt-tripping them, starting fights before they go out, or making them feel like maintaining friendships is selfish. If someone used to be present in your life but now feels unreachable, it’s a red flag.  

6. They’re Always on Edge or Completely Numb

Some people in abusive relationships are visibly stressed—jumpy, frazzled, or anxious, as if they’re constantly bracing for impact. Others go in the opposite direction, shutting down completely to cope. If someone swings between being overwhelmed and completely detached, they may be in survival mode.  

7. They Can’t Seem to Make Decisions or Follow Through on Plans

They never commit to anything long-term. Not because they’re flaky, but because they already know that their partner will make it difficult, or they don’t want to deal with the consequences. They might say, "Let me get back to you" or cancel at the last minute—not because they don’t want to see you, but because they’ve learned that planning for the future isn’t safe.  

I know these signs of abuse all too well. Two weeks after leaving my own abusive relationship, one of my mentors pulled me aside. When I didn’t follow through on a project, he finally shared that he was concerned about my reputation. I could have made excuses, but instead, I broke down and told him the truth. Once he understood, everything shifted.

I’m sharing this because we often confuse someone's character with their circumstances.

If I hadn’t opened up, he might have assumed I was unreliable or uncommitted. But I wasn’t—I was surviving. Now, I try to extend that same grace to others, recognizing the signs of what’s left unsaid. Because in abusive relationships, the suffering is often hidden—but it’s always there if you look closely. Now, I seek to see what they don’t say.  

Divorce, Real Estate, & My Client Approach

When a divorcing client comes to me needing to sell their home, I don’t just see a transaction—I see everything that home has represented for them. The walls that absorbed years of pain. The fear of what happens next. The grief, even when they know leaving is the right decision.  

For someone leaving an abusive relationship, selling a home isn’t just a financial decision. It’s about reclaiming freedom. It’s about making a clean break from a space that, to the outside world, looked like a happy home—but behind closed doors, was anything but.  

And that’s why I approach these cases very differently. With a level of understanding, compassion, and hope only a survivor can provide.

If you’re a professional working with divorcing clients—whether you’re an attorney, a financial planner, or a real estate agent—I encourage you to look beyond the surface. Especially with the staggering statistics at hand. Pay attention to the person who can’t make eye contact. The one who seems overly agreeable. The one who just wants it to be over as quickly as possible.  

Because so often, when we think of abuse, we picture the worst-case scenario. But most abuse is silent. It doesn’t announce itself. It hides in the perfect holiday card, the flawless Instagram posts, and the well-rehearsed "everything is fine".  

Until one day, it’s not.  

What Can You Do?

If you notice these signs in someone you care about, understand that you can’t force them to divulge the full scope of the truth, or force them to leave. But you can make sure they know you’re there for them—without judgment, pressure, or expectations.  

Make it safe for them to open up. Instead of saying, "Are you being abused?" try, "I’ve noticed you don’t seem like yourself lately. If you ever need to talk, I’m here."  

Offer support, not ultimatums. Avoid saying, "You need to leave". Instead, remind them, "You deserve to feel safe and happy. I’m here whenever you’re ready".  

Be patient. Leaving is never as simple as just walking away. Fear, financial dependence, emotional manipulation, and self-doubt all play a role. Your job isn’t to rush them—it’s to be the person they can turn to when they are ready.  

Most importantly, remember: If someone you love is in an abusive relationship, they’re not weak—they’re surviving. And sometimes, just knowing they have one person who sees them, believes them, and will be there to support them makes all the difference.  

If you or a loved one needs to sell a home as a result of a contentious divorce, including cases of domestic violence or spousal abuse, my team offers confidential consultations to offer individualized, judgement free support. Please connect with me by accessing my contact info directly at the top of this article, or visit my website at alexarosario.com/consult .

If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence or abuse, we encourage you to seek support from professional resources such as the National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).