I got my first “corporate” job back in 1989 (yes, I was 3!). I’ve worked in large corporations, small companies, and everything in between, and I’ve seen a lot over the years.  But in 1998, I became an entrepreneur and that’s when I learned some of my greatest lessons thanks to my biggest mistakes.  

This article has been inside of me for a while, so here I go.

Business runs on leadership, and leadership has been running with a deeply flawed playbook for decades.

We tell women to act more like men to be taken seriously, while at the same time, we shame men for being ‘too harsh, too masculine’. And yet, we all expect leadership to look a certain way- masculine.

Last week, I listened to some of the most successful women I know basically apologize for being exceptional leaders. 

I sat quietly (until I didn’t) as they described how they've learned to become someone else entirely to be taken seriously. They shared stories about hiding their empathy and emotional intelligence to appear more 'serious' and 'strategic,' until they became someone they didn't even recognize.

All so they could fit into some twisted idea of what leadership should look like.

I can't stop thinking about it. It broke my heart. And it pissed me off.

I'm tired of watching brilliant people shrink themselves to fit into an impossible double standard. We have a crisis in leadership, and it's not what you think.

The Impossible Double Standard

Women are told to dampen their empathy, hide their collaborative instincts, and suppress their emotional intelligence if they want to be taken seriously. But dampen too much, assert too strongly, and now you’re a b*tch.

Men are told to be bold and direct, but not too much, or now you’re displaying ‘toxic masculinity’. And God forbid they show vulnerability, emotional awareness, or seek input, because then they’re just ‘weak’.

We’ve created a completely rigged system where no one wins. 

Talented leaders are exhausting themselves trying to become someone they're not because they think there's only one acceptable way to lead. They're denying the best parts of themselves, hiding their greatest strengths, and acting out leadership instead of authentically leading.

What's driving this madness? 

The belief that that leadership must be ‘masculine’—tough, directive, emotionless. Meanwhile, ‘feminine’ traits like empathy and collaboration, which typically get dismissed for weakness, are some of the hallmarks of the world’s most brilliant leaders.

This Is About Energy Not Gender

Before you come for me, let me be crystal clear: when I talk about masculine and feminine energy, I'm not talking about gender. 

I'm talking about the two different kinds of energy that every human being carries inside them.

Masculine energy shows up as clarity, decisiveness, structure. It's the backbone that says, "This is where we're going and this is how we get there." 

Feminine energy shows up as empathy, collaboration, intuition. It's the heart that says, "Let's bring everyone along and make sure we're heading toward something that actually matters."

We've been taught that these energies are opposites, and worse, that we have to choose one or the other to be effective. 

The problem is, our culture has historically rewarded the masculine traits- decisiveness, control, confidence- while dismissing the feminine ones- empathy, collaboration, intuition.

Now people walk into leadership roles and immediately start performing some version of what they think a leader should look like, instead of leading from the authenticity of who they are.

Every great leader carries both masculine and feminine characteristics. And the truth is, when you put these two energies together, you get the kind of leadership people actually want to follow.

The Research That'll Blow Your Mind

I went down a rabbit hole of research, but don’t worry, I won't bore you with it here. Allow me to summarize. 

Decades of research consistently found women scoring higher in transformational leadership. 

Turns out all those ‘soft’ feminine traits that get dismissed- the intuition, empathy, and collaboration- are actually leadership superpowers, and the stuff that develops people, creates vision, and builds engagement that directly correlates with better team performance and organizational success.

And here’s another fun fact: Pew Research found that 69% of people think empathy is absolutely essential for leadership, but only 33% believe business leaders actually show it.

So through all this, we're literally suppressing the exact qualities people are begging for in our leaders. Make it make sense.

And at the same time we’re suppressing and conforming, we’re simultaneously pointing fingers.

I’ve seen injuries inflicted on both sides. Women who manipulate and undermine in the name of ‘collaboration’. Men who ‘bulldoze’ people over and call it ‘decisive leadership’. 

Here's what these experiences have in common: they're examples of bad leadership, period. 

This isn't about energy types. It’s not about masculine energy gone rogue, or feminine energy gone manipulative. It’s about people who should never have been given power or responsibility over others.

It’s not ‘toxic masculinity’ or ‘mean girl behavior’. It's bad leadership hiding behind a convenient label. We must stop weaponizing the language and we must start calling out bad leadership for what it is: bad leadership.

Your Permission Slip to Lead Authentically

If you're a woman reading this: Stop trading in your intuition and empathy for a seat at the table. The table needs what you bring. Pair your natural collaborative instincts with clear boundaries and decisive action. "I care about you deeply, and I expect excellence" isn't contradictory- it's powerful.

If you're a man reading this: Your emotional intelligence won’t make you weak. It will make you magnetic. The strongest male leaders I know can make the hard calls AND create psychological safety for their teams. You don’t have to choose between being respected and being human.

If you're in charge of developing other leaders: For the love of all that's holy, stop teaching leadership like it's 1985. Show them examples of leaders who use the full spectrum of human energy. Stop rewarding one-dimensional leadership and start celebrating the people who can flex.

And to everyone: Stop reducing each other to labels. The woman who speaks directly isn't mean, she's clear. The man who listens deeply isn't weak, he's wise. The leader who can do both? That's who we're all waiting to follow.

No one wants another leader who learned how to ‘executive’ from this outdated playbook. We want someone real, someone who knows how to balance the backbone to make hard calls with the heart to bring people along.

Now I ask you, what extraordinary leader would emerge if you gave yourself permission to be completely, authentically you?

Because that’s the leader this world needs- the one that only you can be.