Are you a working mom that’s about to become an “empty nester”, or maybe you’re a young mom trying to figure out how to get it all done? According to the Department of Labor, 70% of moms with children under the age of 18 participate in the workforce. This results in the juggle to manage the commitment to both the job and family. In a 2018 study conducted by Welch’s, it was determined that working moms clock an average of 98 hours per week. And, with hours like that, one can see why it’s so difficult to find the perfect balance.

Being a working mother for over 20 years with my youngest children now leaving the nest, it seems like the perfect time to reflect on my experience. Like with most life transitions, change is hard, and it brings both positive and negative emotions. Some of the questions that came to my mind as I reflected included:

Was I present enough to teach my children the important lessons?

Did I lose myself in the process by putting my needs last?

Did I find the right balance of work and family? 

That’s when I came across this quote…

“Balance is not something you find, it’s something you create”. 

Isn’t that a profound statement? So many times, I’ve been in conversation with women and the topic lands on balance between work and family life.  For many of my fellow working mothers, this thing called balance is elusive at best.  So often we hear about self-care or making time for yourself, but to achieve true balance, one must dig deeper than that. It’s not only about our everyday actions, but also about what we intend to accomplish in our lifetimes…you know, the big picture.

This concept of balance has been center of mind these days as my twins leave for college. While there is this sense of pride in knowing that our hard work has helped them begin to launch, there is also this indescribable emptiness. As a mental health expert, I’ve chosen to lean into this feeling and recognize how balance (or sometimes lack thereof) has impacted my life. 

As a researcher in the mental health space, gathering data typically comes directly from the source, in this case, texting moms with children leaving the nest. The question simply stated, “Advice to your younger self: what would you have done differently for yourself along your parenting journey” (very scientific, right!).  

The next phase of the research included a review of the science of fulfillment. This article intends to share the lived experiences and lessons shared by moms, along with what the science says makes for a fulfilling life. 

Here are five proven strategies to create balance and fulfillment in your life whether you are a young mom who is trying to find that balance or a mom on the other end of the spectrum and “successfully launching” your children (formerly called empty nesting).

The number one answer that most moms reported was that they put their family’s needs before their own. So how can we learn to include our own needs? 

1. Live a life of purpose: The science around living a purposeful life is robust and it’s a reflection of your core values. When you can live on purpose, you find yourself lighting up and experiencing passion for what you’re doing. For some working moms, their purpose is raising their children, and they would spend every waking moment with them, while others are ready to bring them to school first thing Monday morning.  No judgment here, but find what lights you up, be honest about it, and incorporate it into your everyday actions. One way to do this is to set intentions. I like to set intentions with the end in mind, so in this instance, I may be thinking about what I want my life to look like when my children launch to their next phase. Here are a couple of questions to ask yourself: 

• What will it feel like when I have balance between my work life and my family life?

• How will I show the people that are important to me that they are a priority while still being true to myself?

The number two answer from the informal mom poll reported that most moms felt that they got too stressed out about the little things and needed to offer themselves grace. What’s the science-based way to address this?

2. Bring joy to what you do daily: Choose activities that you and your children enjoy together- the trick is, it must fill everybody’s cup! It can be related to spiritual activities, recreational activities, or even just hobbies around the house. For example, if you like physical activity, instead of stressing about finding time for the gym, take your children to the park and work out together. Not only will you be getting a good workout, but you’ll be teaching your children the importance of being physical. It may be difficult the first few times, but once the routine is created the kids will look forward to it as well. Find fun every day! Here are some questions to ask yourself:

• What are the activities that bring me joy and how can I incorporate them into my life with my family?

• When was the last time my family laughed and had fun together?

The third need that many moms reported is that they did not make time for old friends. Many also said that the only new friends that they had were based on the interest of the children rather than authentic relationships. So, what’s the antidote to this?

3. Build quality relationships: Having social connections in your life is an indicator of positive mental and physical health. While family is important, having access to meaningful relationships through friends and faith is also beneficial. For some this looks like having a romantic partner, spending time with friends together as family units, or time with adult friends without the kids in tow. Whatever you choose, research demonstrates that one of the greatest indicators of a happy life is authentic meaningful relationships. Further, these meaningful relationships will be great for kid swaps when you need a break! You may want to look in the mirror and ask yourself:

• Have I lost touch with old friends, family, or my spouse because we have such a hectic child-centered lifestyle?

• The follow up to this question is, what I am going to let go of to ensure that we have time to maintain these important relationships?

• A third question in this space is, who do I miss in my life, and how will I get back in touch with them?

Similar to the previous need, many moms felt that they lost touch with being part of a community outside of their children’s activities. How can we address this need to ensure there is a focus on building community?

4. Foster a sense of mattering and community: In addition to having quality relationships, creating a sense of community is important both for support as well as fulfillment. This can be through a community activity, faith organization, getting involved in civic engagement activities, or just creating a community of family and friends. Again, this group can offer support when you have that work deadline coming up. I’ll never forget when a good friend invited my kids over so I could finish my dissertation.  We tend to lose these relationships when we are too busy to connect. Ask yourself these questions:

• Am I part of a community that feeds my soul?

• What would I have to do to create this opportunity for myself and model this value for my family?

And finally, the fifth need that was identified was that parental personal or professional growth was stunted to ensure that the children’s needs could be met. So how could this be addressed? 

5. Be a lifelong learner: Meeting new people and exposure to new points of view will keep you moving forward. It’s easy to get stuck in the same routine, especially with children, many of whom need routine to thrive. It’s also important to teach your children to be flexible and open to learning new things. It’s fun to learn alongside your children, you may be surprised what they can teach you. So, ask yourself these questions:

• What am I passionate about, what can I learn more about alongside my family, or can I take a class that will lift me up?

• What are some tangible ways that I can incorporate this quest for knowledge and curiosity into our everyday activities?

This science-based framework will bring fulfillment and keep one’s sense of self intact.  Perhaps overlooked and optimistically speaking, being a working mom allows mothers to pursue their own passions and interests outside of motherhood. This actually leads to greater personal fulfillment and happiness. It’s important to understand that a fulfilled and content mother is better equipped to provide love, support, and guidance to her children, thus creating a positive and nurturing home environment. 

Whether you are a mom in the successful launchers category or the next generation of moms, these pearls of wisdom, when practiced, will create more balance in your life. Just remember to ask yourself, what are you looking for in your life?  And always stay true to yourself.